REVIEWS OF SEATTLE ARTS PERFORMANCES IF DONE BY THE BILIGERENT TEENAGE BOY WHO SAT NEAR ME ON THE BUS

Seattle Opera’s “Der Rosenkavalier”
”Fuck. It’s not even in English. It’s in German. Totally sucks.”

Seattle Repertory Theatre’s “A Midsummer Night’s Dream”
“Fuck. It’s not even in English. Well, it is, but how in the hell am I supposed to understand it? F!”

Seattle Theatre Group’s “The Vagina Monologues” at the Moore Theatre
”What a drag. I expected to see some – vaginas – but nope, just chicks boo-hooing and laughing about girl stuff. At intermission, with all the women there, I started hitting on some of the beauties. No go – all lesbians. Fuck.”

Fifth Avenue Musical Theatre Company’s “Rent”
”The similarities between Jonathan Larsen’s “Rent” and Puccini’s “La Boheme” are striking. The characters live for art, there is a defiance of mainstream culture, and both pieces show their faith in the age old Bohemian ideals, i.e. living life on their own terms; doing what they want from day to day living for their art whatever that may be.”

Seattle Children’s Theatre’s “Goodnight Moon”
”Fucking sucked.”

ACT Theatre’s “Twelve Angry Men”
”Make it thirteen. I’m pissed I had to sit through hours of grueling boredom in a jury room with a bunch of jackasses. And, playwright, uh, where’s the chicks?”

Taproot Theatre’s “Waiting for Godot”
”Am I missing something? Oh yeah, the last three freakin’ hours of my life.”

Seattle Symphony’s “Mahler’s 9th Symphony”
”Nuanced.”